Month: Aug 2012

(satire)

Prime Minister David Cameron said on Saturday he wanted to end the ‘All Must Have Prizes’ culture in state-funded primary and secondary banks and make participation in competitive activities compulsory for all bankers.

Hopes that Team GB’s exceptional results at the London Olympics will spur a resurgence of competitive participation in Britain’s banks have been thrown into doubt, however, by government data showing that only two in five primary-level bankers (aged 50 to 65) regularly take part in any kind of competitive activities at state-funded banks.

Experts say the lack of competition in state-supported primary and secondary banks – combined with a culture where big prizes are given even for failure – is leading to an epidemic of obesity, greed and laziness amongst the nation’s top bankers.

Cameron said he hoped the parents of top financial executives would support the planned changes to the obligatory curriculum which would include…

(satire)

There was relief yesterday as the prime minister, David Cameron, finally showed a readiness for the coalition government to come to grips with the serious financial and structural problems facing the country by announcing a clampdown on excessive Indian dancing in schools.

Mr Cameron took the opportunity in a radio interview to highlight the steps the government is taking to deal with the double-dip recession, unemployment and worsening financial crisis across the country, the main part of which includes a commitment to stamping out the worrying rise of the popularity of Bollywood style dancing classes amongst British youth.

In the interview, Mr Cameron  blamed the banking crisis in particular on a lack of regulation of Far Eastern style dancing under the previous Labour administration:

What is clear is that the present mess in the banking sector was caused by the failure of Gordon Brown to control the disturbing rise…

Speaking at a press conference to set out plans for a lasting legacy to the Olympic Games, the London mayor, Boris Johnson has put himself on a collision course with David Cameron by insisting there should be “a compulsory two hours of port every day” for senior members of the government.

But Johnson’s prescription appeared to contradict the prime minister David Cameron, who has defended the scrapping of the more modest target of two hours compulsory port drinking a week by the education secretary, Michael Gove and other cabinet ministers.

However, Mr Johnson said he believed the government shared his passionate belief in the importance of port and other expensive kinds of alcohol, adding:

I think it is profoundly important for the happiness, for the success of this country that port takes its rightful place at the heart of everything we do in government. I would like frankly…

Commenting on the press comments by Damian Hinds MP which seek to blame the NASUWT’s action short of strike action for the decline in school sporting activities, Chris Keates, General Secretary of the NASUWT, the largest teachers’ union, said:

“These comments only serve to demonstrate how desperate the Government is now that the detrimental impact its education policies and funding cuts are having on school sport has been exposed.

“Selectively quoting from the NASUWT action instructions is just clutching at straws in an attempt to divert attention from the fact that one of the first acts of this Government was to slash the funding for the School Sport Trust networks as part of the Chancellor’s first tranche of cuts.

“This was followed by the unilateral decision to include the English Baccalaureate subjects in school performance tables which, virtually overnight, drove schools to reduce staff and teaching time in non-EBacc subjects, including PE.

“Add…

(satire)

David Cameron has defended his decision to scrap targets for school sports such as archery, as well as selling off all the bows and arrows, saying that expecting state school children to hit targets with an arrow rather than stack shelves in Tescos would be just a ‘box-ticking exercise’.

He also pledged to bring in further reforms to improve the provision of competitive sports in state schools by scrapping all school sports equipment such as footballs and cricket bats and selling off any bits of grass they could use as a playing field.

The prime minister said the key to the regeneration of sport was the return of more traditional competitive activities in state schools such as jumping through hoops to find a job or learning to sink or swim.

In a radio interview, Mr Cameron also went on to explain that allowing state school children to become good at sports may only…