(satire)

Prime Minister David Cameron said on Saturday he wanted to end the ‘All Must Have Prizes’ culture in state-funded primary and secondary banks and make participation in competitive activities compulsory for all bankers.

Hopes that Team GB’s exceptional results at the London Olympics will spur a resurgence of competitive participation in Britain’s banks have been thrown into doubt, however, by government data showing that only two in five primary-level bankers (aged 50 to 65) regularly take part in any kind of competitive activities at state-funded banks.

Experts say the lack of competition in state-supported primary and secondary banks – combined with a culture where big prizes are given even for failure – is leading to an epidemic of obesity, greed and laziness amongst the nation’s top bankers.

Cameron said he hoped the parents of top financial executives would support the planned changes to the obligatory curriculum which would include…