(satire – or is it?)

The UK government has scrapped plans for all of UK society to come together and pay for the ceremonial funeral of ex-prime minister Margaret Thatcher after realising there is in fact no such thing as society.

The dramatic U-turn came after research by the Daily Mail and the Sun newspapers revealed there were so many illegal immigrants and feckless work-shy scroungers in the UK, that there would not be nearly enough hard-working, striving bankers left in the country to pay for the funeral.

In a short statement, a spokesperson for the coalition government explained the reasons for the decision:

Obviously it would be wrong to expect the funeral to be paid for by society if – as Lady Thatcher herself confirmed – it doesn’t actually exist.

So we’ve asked the many diligent bankers in the UK who selflessly keep the country afloat with their…

(satire – I think)

UK should not be left defenceless against ‘highly unpredictable and aggressive’ teachers, says Prime Minister

David Cameron has issued a stark warning against any move to abandon Britain’s Trident deterrent in the face of the growing threat of a strike from the National Union of Teachers and other unions.

The Prime Minister said it would “foolish” to leave the country defenceless at a time when “highly unpredictable and aggressive” school teachers were planning a possible strike in UK schools.

His comments come not long after the Education Secretary Michael Gove urged the United States to deploy an advanced missile system to the channel island of Jersey as a deterrent against “Marxist teachers hell-bent on destroying our schools“.

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Related articles by Tom Pride:

US Warning To Mayans Over Threats Of World Destruction

Government ministers announce plan to deter immigrants to UK by making it shit

West Mulls Military Strikes Against IKEA

Tories…

Many people living in social housing in the UK are worried about losing benefits as new arrangements are being introduced this week. Welfare reforms will see tenants’ housing benefits cut if they are deemed to have a spare bedroom in their council or housing association home.

Whatever subtle distinctions politicians are making between the notion of a ‘bedroom tax’ or ‘removal of the spare room subsidy’, the proposals will affect an estimated 660,000 working-age tenants in social housing – 31% of existing working-age housing benefit claimants in the social sector. The majority of these people have only one extra bedroom and there’s a reported shortage of single bedroomed accommodation for people to move into.

The Government doesn’t define what the term ‘bedroom’ means, leaving the decisions to landlords. The bedroom tax makes no distinction between a single or a double bedroom. A room either is a bedroom or is not…

(satire – sort of)

ATOS – the private contractor paid by the government to carry out work capability assessments of disabled people – has declared George Osborne is unable to carry out his duties as chancellor due to “severe disabling conditions such as not being able to count”.

Mr Osborne recently defended parking his car in a disabled parking bay, explaining he is so severely handicapped by his inability to function as Chancellor of the Exchequer that he should himself be parked on disability benefits somewhere far away from the nation’s economy where he can’t do it any more harm.

Some medical experts however, have disputed the results of the assessment. One influential doctor with long experience of assessing disabilities said:

Osborne’s not unfit for work. He’s just a git.

However, a spokesperson for ATOS denied accusations that they had failed to assess the chancellor adequately:

During the assessment, Mr Osborne was…

It’s hard to imagine what life was like when Mary Wollstonecraft wrote her ground-breaking book, A Vindication of the Rights of Woman, published in 1792 – and to understand the leaps of thought that she made as a self-taught woman of her time. Her book has become a landmark document in the development of women’s rights and education. She suggested that culture rather than nature determines many perceptions about gender difference and her work provided a basis for later feminist theory. Her writing was truly remarkable for a woman born in 1759 as the first daughter of an abusive handkerchief weaver from Spitalfields in London.

Showing a strongly independent mind, she refused to accept the inequalities that she experienced between men and women, reasoning that they began with a ‘false system of education’ that valued ‘delicacy’ above all in girls’ development. Women were expected to focus all their attention…

The woman, who is Croatian, has titled this: ‘One photo a day in the worst year of my life’, and relates to events during 2012.

This press-release was by the Labour party was sent to me today by a Labour MP.It was ’embargoed’ until 1 minute after midnight today (Monday), but I can’t find it picked up by the press at all yet, so you may very well be reading it first here..

The press release represents what we’ve all been waiting for, and which I’ve been expecting since a conversation with Andy Burnham a few weeks ago. Emphases are mine:

Burnham: Labour will repeal Cameron’s NHS market

 

– Hundreds of new NHS bodies have not been properly established, leaving NHS at “maximum risk” according to NHS chief.

– From Monday, NHS open to full-blown commercialisation

– Doctors required to put all contracts out to tender and hospitals able to earn up to 49% of income treating private patients

– Doctors not empowered or engaged by changes

-New figures from Labour reveal a third…