(satire – barely)

The government has announced a package of measures to boost the economy and reduce unemployment by making it easier for employers to kill and maim their staff.

The coalition is hoping by scrapping health and safety regulations more job opportunities will be created for the long-term unemployed by making it easier for employers to get rid of their existing workers by killing or seriously injuring them, in what the Government is calling a ‘blitz on blood-red tape.’

From April 2013, new binding rules on both the Health & Safety Executive and on local authorities, will exempt thousands of businesses from making sure their employees don’t lose parts of their bodies while at work.

Business Minister Michael Fallon said:

Today’s announcement injects fresh impetus into our drive to cut through the red tape preventing employers from maiming their staff. We have identified the parts of people’s bodies we…